Not what I thought...

As I make the boys' lunches for tomorrow I am struck by how magical (and a few other choice words) life truly is. I remember leaving the hospital without Jeramyah in my arms. I remember long days between feedings sitting in the Ronald McDonald room at the hospital crying, waiting, praying my sweet little boy would pull through and one day come home. The anxiousness of waiting to find out if his hearing/sight/mental health would be affected by him coming into the world too early. I can remember the hurt, frustration, anger, and sometimes jealousy I felt trying to get pregnant with Alexavier, just like it was yesterday. I remember the joy of that moment I found out I was pregnant, which was instantly followed by worry - would I have another child too early? Now I have a gorgeous boy who will start 2nd grade tomorrow. He is happy and oh so healthy. He says his hobbies are reading and writing comic books(!). He wears his sweet, innocent little heart on his sleeve. I also have a handsome little man that is starting Pre-K tomorrow. A little boy that still moves to his own clock and drum. One that doesn't want to marry me (unlike his brother) but will smother me in kisses and "I love you's." The boy that all too often reminds me he is mine with his "are you kidding me?" looks. 15 years ago I had absolutely no intentions of being the person I am today. My time was supposed to be spent going over closing statements, not phonics and art work from wee hands. Some days I yearn for the life I wanted. Then I imagine the activities they'll choose in HS. The degrees they'll get in college, if they'll marry, have kids, move far away...then I stop because by that point I'm hyperventilating. So today, when I'm sad, and barely making it through without crying, I get up and remind myself that life is a magical journey that takes us all over the place. Because of where mine is taking me I now get to experience their journey too, not just mine, and for that I'm grateful for the life I have and not the one I "lost."